Friday, December 21, 2007

The Ravens Stink

I'm babysitting my sisters dog right now and she --the dog-- is indicating to me through a series of sad puppy looks and vigorous face licking that she would like to say something here. I feel obligated to let her speak her mind so that PETA (motto: "Animals are People Too") doesn't come knocking at my door. So this is Lucy my sister's dog:

kljhdv futr9oa vsjnhcvk v,gfvpoedjifr

Thank you for that bit of wisdom Lucy. Words to live by. Inspirational.

Anyway onto important things like Football and shopping. Lets start with football: The Baltimore Ravens lost this past Sunday to arguably the worst football team in the history of football and for that matter, most organized groups of small farm animals, the Miami Dolphins. I don't really care about the result, but I was hoping that the Ravens would win so that when the Dolphins went up against the undefeated New England Arrogant Smashers this upcoming week it had the potential of being the biggest upset since England lost the Revolutionary War. Now, since the Dolphins have won a game if they win it is only comparable to that fairy tale The Tortoise and the Hair. Only instead of a hair it would be a space shuttle...and instead of a tortoise it would be a rock.

Now the other important thing shopping: As of yesterday I was not finished my Christmas shopping, so I went out early to the mall to finish up, and evidently also to have a panic attack. It was a nice day outside and as I stepped peacefully through the main entrance the entire atmosphere changed. I felt like I just stepped onto the arena floor during a gladiator blood bath. Babies were crying, people were yelling, running, shoving, and chopping off each others limbs. At the end of the trip I escaped with a candle that smelled like a Christmas tree on fire, two spoons, and a $7.35 gift card to that store that only sells War Hammer stuff.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Global Warming Update

Algore continues to travel the world to shamelessly bash the United States saying that the US is blocking the progress in climate change. Thats funny, I thought the US was the main cause for the progression of climate change. hmmmmm...

Its amazing to me that someone with so much hate and animosity towards this country can be so popular.

Election '08 Update

The Oprah has hit the campaign trails with Obama. This is exciting for two reasons, first it means all of Oprah's studio audience will receive their own Obama to take home with them and second it means Barrak will have his own daytime television show. I have to commend Obama on this move...brilliant. The Oprah could get a wedge of cheese elected for public office, and say what you want about Obama, but he would make a better president then a wedge of cheese.

Hillary Clinton however would not be better then cheese. Not even Limburger.

If you've missed any of the trillions of debates that have been taking place in Iowa in preparation for the Hawk-eye Cauci, don't worry I will catch you up:
The republican sentiment has mostly been "lets all claim to be conservative, strong willed and decisive, but don't say anything that might offend anyone."

The democratic sentiment during the debates has been almost exclusively "lets see how close we can get to socialism without actually declaring the country socialist," and "here are some super general platitudes on how we can accomplish this honorable goal."

Sunday, December 9, 2007

My Week

Well I had a lovely week, I hope you can say the same. I went Christmas Tree Hunting yesterday at an actual tree farm and not just some fenced in parking lot where some heavy bearded navy-blue-jumpsuit-wearing creep tries to pass off a Scotch Pine for a Douglas Fir. He acts like we can't tell the difference between a Pine and a Fir! I'm not spending $25 on some pre-chopped pine, when I don't even know how it was cut down. They could have used environmentally unfriendly chainsaws!

Instead we went to an actual tree farm and walked around through a forest of Evergreens until we spotted our lowly victim. Then we proceeded to hack at it with an ax until it resembled nothing more than a few twigs sticking out of the ground, at which point we decided we didn't want it any more. We continued this process until we finally got a chainsaw and just chopped one down the sophisticated way.

On Tuesday, if you recall from the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show post (below), I went to Otto Bar to see The Graduate, SpitalField, and The Forecast. Before the concert we went to a creepy record store next door, where I'm pretty sure I was almost molested. You know a place is high quality when there is a sign in the window that says "Hell Yes We're Open."

OK guys, those are the highlights from this week. I've got some good election stuff in the stack for next week.

Friday, December 7, 2007

From The Church of Global Warming

Featured stories in Global Warming this week:

  • Women Who Wont Have Babies...Because babies are not Eco-friendly. This article tells the story of Toni Vernelli who had an abortion because the thought of causing overpopulation and providing the earth with another resource-wasting human was unbearable. She also got sterilized. Do not despair my friends because there is a speck of sunshine in every dark cloud. These crazy liberal environmental wackos are literally wiping themselves out. They're committing their own political genocide and they are enjoying it! All we have to do is sit back and watch.
  • Christmas is bad for the environment. You probably have Christmas lights hanging outside of your home sucking up precious power, and for what, holiday spirit? You probably don't even wrap your presents with recycled, hemp, Eco-paper. You probably drive a car to go places! You probably use toilet paper to wipe your butt. How dare you ruin our Earth. Don't let Eco-terrorists ruin your Christmas.
  • Eco-friendly Kangaroo farts could help save the environment. I can't make this stuff up. There is a bacteria in Kangaroo's stomachs that makes their gas expulsions free from methane, so scientists want to figure out a way to implant it into cow and sheep stomachs. That's really all I have to say. I can't make this funnier then it really already is. One day God is going to come down and start yelling "Leave my stuff alone! I made them that way on purpose!"

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

That's right the Victoria Secret Fashion Show (motto: "Underwear. Life.") has it's own post in this Blog. It aired on Tuesday night, while I was seeing The Graduate at Otto Bar, but if you think, even for just a second, that I missed it then you are sadly mistaken (Tivo). If you are unfamiliar with this event, first of all I feel very sorry for you, and secondly you are probably not a male.

It is the one night each year that humanity unites as one to celebrate the sacred art of women's underwear -- eh hem-- lingerie in as extravagant a way as humanly possible. Models walk the runway wearing what appears to be giant, sexy art projects that have gone terribly wrong, but also exactly right. I'm talking about metal shop art projects that look like they should appear outside of a courthouse somewhere.

None of that long as there are almost-naked-women involved there will be tons of ratings. They could have been wearing actual fish entrails as long as we could almost see their goodies.

This year Heidi Klum was the star/host/crowd pleas-er/musical entertainment. That's right! Heidi sang a duet with husband Seal (motto: "The only person ever to become famous from a Batman Movie. Four words: Kissed By a Rose"). Seal was dressed as a human Disco Ball.

The Spice Girls were frightening.

Seal (Left) and wife Heidi Klum (Right)

More to come...I've got some big Global Warming Stuff for later this week.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

By Virtue of Popular Demand...I'm Back

OK I'm back from a seemingly endless, and unannounced hiatus and I'm ready to please the eager few of you looking for a brilliant mind to do all the thinking so that you don't have to.

Its been a while, and I have to be honest its kind of awkward. Its like when you bump into an ex-girlfriend that obviously hasn't gotten over you, then you mistakenly say something she interprets as "I miss you too" and end up sleeping with her several times --three times-- on her roommates' couch. Yes, that is exactly how it feels right now.

I'd like to take a moment now to explain the new format of the blog, which I implemented to prevent myself from being overburdened and also to keep your expectations low enough so that it is easy for me to exceed them. The new format is as follows: I will post here once a week (twice if you're good), anything that I want. The end.

Enough useless chit chat lets get right to it my friends. I have to say that I'm very excited for the upcoming season, and I'm not talking about the Woodcock Hunting Season (which opens Thursday for you cock hunters out there), or Christmas for that matter. I am referring, of course, to the election year, which is less than a month away! You know what that means: Campaign Trails, Debates, YouTube Political Commercials, Hillary Clinton's Testicle Lockbox, complaints about YouTube Commercials, and blah dee blah dee blah. Lets face it, it's not even 2008 yet and I'm already completely board with all this election stuff. Yea, I'll stay informed. I'll read indecipherable essays about the candidates. I'll smile and nod when someone starts telling me who they are going to vote for and why they are right. I'll pray the writer's strike ends so that SNL will come back in time for the election year. I'll eat, sleep, breath, dream and poop election for the next 11 months, BUT I WONT LIKE IT!

Speaking of election time, I watched the YouTube, debates on the Clinton News Network (that's CNN for those of you in Dundalk) and I'm considering suing CNN to get those two hours of my life back. It was ridiculous, the very nature of the questions that the big "Group Think-tank" over there at CNN chose, painted a caricature of conservatives as racists, sexists, homophobes, and other cliche things. Since when has Gay's in the Military been a key issue in this election? Never. And if you're so concerned about "Don't Ask Don't Tell" go talk to the person who implemented it 15 years ago, thats right! Mr. Clinton himself.

And there was a question from some guy in his log cabin basement about the confederate flag. I'm glad this question was asked. I really am. Because with all this war going on, the health care crisis, social security crisis, sub-prime market failure, government spending, and a billion or more social issues to be dealt with, I was afraid this one was going to slip through the cracks. When I heard this question I thought "I'm going to vote for the first candidate who says 'what the heck?' and walks off the stage." I was disappointed no one walked off the stage, Romney came close to saying "what the heck?"

Get this, the opening was a song from YouTube called the GOP song about the Republican Candidates and their issues, and as the song talked about each candidate a camera panned across their faces, like it was an introduction. CNN is a joke. They're not even trying to hide their bias anymore and its disgusting. Sorry...I'm done with that now. Here's the song, nothing against the artist, its just not a good opening to a Political Debate.

Picture a camera panning across the candidates faces.

Some other interesting stuff in the news:

  • Holiday shopping season is upon us and despite all the Doom and Gloom from the Media, sales were up some 8% from last year. Looks like fuel prices aren't keeping guilty workaholic parents from trying to buy their children's love.

Alright, that's it for this week. Check back soon, tell your friends, neighbors, family, and household pets -dogs love me. Oh and subscribe.

I'm back.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Here's to a Hobby worth Toasting

Last night it was hard to watch "24", the NCAA Championship and the Orioles opening day at the same time...even with TiVo. There was quite a bit of switching back and forth, which led to a plot confusion involving... I was frustrated with the Orioles (who lost 7-4), and how boring "24" was, and I could have cared less who won the NCAA Championship, so this begs the question "why did I even bother?"
I have a theory, but it mostly has to do with my gradual transformation into a heartless soldier for the Darwinian cause, so I wont bore you.
Instead we'll talk about an article I read today in my school paper about two students at my University (motto: "College: Pushing Minds to the Limit") who make their own beer. Another reason why we love guys...they're resourceful. They explain how they bought a few beer kits, and ingredients to make their own beer. Yea! Why not?
These guys are popular at parties. Just imagine, you're at a party and someone announces that you're out of beer, but everyone is too drunk to do a beer run. Not two minutes later these two come smashing through the ceiling like a superhero duo ("The Brewing Brothers"). They spend a few hours mixing up the ingredients and processing the fluid and in a few days after the it has fermented they'll have approximately 30 bottles of beer...wonderfully delicious home-made beer.

Some hobbies make no sense.

Monday, April 2, 2007

24 Hour 16

Last week on "24" the highlight was when Jack captured Gredenko and threatened to do some awful interrogating stuff to him, but Gredenko already knew who Jack was because they get "24" in Russia only they call it "Crazy Man Will Shoot You In The Thigh". Gredenko gave up the next target without so much as a punch in the face or a stab in the knee, only a promise foramnesty, and a guarantee that Sanjaya will be off American Idol this week.

Back in the Planning Room of Death, even though Gredenko was captured, Vice President Powers Booth decided to continue with the Nuclear strike. We're not sure where the nuclear strike was going to take place, but it doesn't matter because President Wayne was resurrected to stop the attack. Booth noted to the other advisers that President Wayne must have been joking about the "don't bomb" thing.

Oh yea, Milo kissed Nadia in a scene reminiscent to daytime television...

The NCAA Championship game is on opposite "24" tonight. Considering none of my picks made it to the final round I'm not too interested, but I'll switch back and forth between the two.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Vote for Sanjaya

I don't watch American Idol (What? It's not a crime), but I've been hearing a lot of hype over this Sanjaya, or Sanjuia, or Sangyia, or San-vagina (or however you spell it). He is apparently a terrible singer, but people keep voting for him. I like this. I heard that he hugged a girl who was crying in the audience. I'd be crying too if I had to go watch American Idol live (motto: "When America picks the singer, everyone loses").

I'm going to start voting for Sanjaya myself. I like his hair. I would like to see him win, then make an album that no one will buy...pretty much like all the other winners of American Idol (with the exception of Clay Aiken who technically didn't win). So I am encouraging all of you American Idol fanatics out there to vote for Sanjaya. If he wins as a treat to all my readers I will purchase his album and listen to it all the way through...or until I die, which ever comes first.


Point 1: Still dead.
Point 2: Surprise! It was a drug overdose!

Sanjaya (left), Not-Sanjaya (right)

Monday, March 26, 2007

24 Hour 15

Hey guys sorry I didn't have time to do a summary this week...I'll do the updates though.

UPDATE: How come they call Fayed's country "Fayed's country?" Is that its name?

UPDATE: Red food gives me indigestion.

UPDATE: Ah! Mark Hauser! I knew it. Doogie Hauser's not-so-smart little brother got tiered of not being able to live up to his brother's legend.

UPDATE: The Old Navy Shorts are WAYYYYYYYYYYY better than the Boyfriend Trouser.

UPDATE: Blah Blah Blah...Coma this, coma that, lets get back to Jack. Hey that rhymed.

UPDATE: Thigh-Shot! Its been too long my friend...its been too long.

UPDATE: I'm glad Jack didn't shoot the retarded guy. That would have been all over the drive-by media tomorrow.

UPDATE: Has there ever been a more dysfunctional workplace than CTU?

UPDATE: The Victoria's Secret bra beats the Old Navy Shorts.

UPDATE: They never electrocuted Nadia or anything. What are they getting so upset about?

UPDATE: It was just a good choking! What is she some kind of sissy?

UPDATE: Assault Vectors! I need some of those!

UPDATE: The fate of the US lies in the hands of a retarded man. I'm not talking about President Bush. I mean an actual retarded man.

UPDATE: PALMER IS AWAKE! I hope he goes back into a coma soon because Vice President Homicidal Manic is much more fun.

UPDATE: Next week, shooting and Jack is PINNED DOWN!

Friday, March 23, 2007

Be Careful with What You Spread On Your Bagel

I'd like to start by saying that I resent those inappropriate and down right mean comments I received during the past week from some of my regular readers who were upset over my lack of insightful comments, one liners, and in some cases genius discoveries. I understand it must be hard to go through your days without a daily commune with me, but it was my Spring Break and I decided it was acceptable for me to skimp on my posting.

I do have bad news, I will not be posting as frequently as I had been in the recent past. The blog must take the second seat behind my school work and for the next couple of weeks I anticipate an onslaught of work. Besides it was becoming very difficult to think of a new topic to write about each day. I hope to be able to post 4 times a week...four wonderfully genius times. Quality over quantity may prove to be an overstated cliche.

Now onto the content. Just recently --approximately 7 minutes ago-- I have grown very concerned over the safety of our pet food. During the last two weeks or so a cat/dog food plant contaminated over 60 million cans of pet food with rat poison. 60 million cans! To put that into perspective consider that 60 millions cans could almost feed three Bull Mastiffs and a Jack Russel Terrier for a week. Yes, poor animals, but what I was most concerned with was the fact that this single plant processed and packaged pet food for hundreds of different companies. Do you see what I'm saying. Iams, Ol'Roy, Pinnacle, Breeders Choice, McDonalds, and hundreds of other companies (more than 400) use the same factory to make their food. What if they did that with clothes, televisions, or worse computers? I don't know what I would do if I knew my iPod was put together next to a PC. I'd short circuit (excuse my puns). The moral of this story is don't eat any pet food for the next few weeks...even if you smear it on a bagel.

Monday, March 19, 2007

24 Hour 14

Previously on 24:

CTU was surprised by the introduction of a new leader. They seemed to think that rearranging upper management during a national crisis was extremely helpful. Its a good way to avoid confusion and power struggles. And best of all the new leader is child star Ricky Shroder, who is totally unconvincing as "tough guy boss."

Ex-President Eye-bags came to CTU and talked to Bill about distracting the Russians with "crazy American accents and some good vodka." Bill disagrees so Eye-bags proposed another idea that included getting his ex-wife to talk to Russian President Suvarov’s wife. Bill agrees to this plan, which in my opinion isn't any better than the vodka plan. He sent Eye-bags to the institution where Martha was staying. We then found out that Secret Agent Aaron and Ex-Wife of Ex-President Eye-bags, Martha, are now a couple. When Eye-bags arrived there was quite a bit of uncomfortable conversing before Martha finally stabbed Eye-bags in the shoulder. She realized that she made a mistake so to make up for it she agreed to call the Russians. During her call she convinced president Suvarov to call CTU.

President Suvarov called Markov and ordered him to surrender to the Americans and to bring him some of those Fat Burgers when he comes back to Russia. Markov declined to both requests. President Suvarov then told Bill he didn’t like Markov’s tone of voice and that it’s just fine with him that the consulate gets stormed.

Meanwhile Jack escaped death at the Russian Consulate by using some kung-fu belt slinging tricks he must have picked up in China. Jack then hid in the ceiling of a storage closet and used the phone to call Morris. Morris told Bill and Bill immideatly declared that "Jack is no longer dispensable and we must get him out of there." Jack found a control panel and took a squirrel, which is the expert animal of shorting out power, and threw it at the panel. The power in the whole consulate went out. Jack waited there until CTU organized a siege to come and rescue him in a glorious scene of shooting.

UPDATE: Jack has "floating rib fragments," which is also a good name for a rock band.

UPDATE: Nadia is using Milo's code! That slut.

UPDATE: Jack needs to go to the medical unit. Har

UPDATE: "Audrey Rains? You mean you don't know? She's on a different show."

UPDATE: Audrey is dead?!?!? Of course its always sad when a cast member bites the dust.

UPDATE: There's always time for gossip at CTU.


UPDATE: Jack is flying the drone!

UPDATE: Land it one the writers, Jack.

UPDATE: Another crisis averted.